Rendezvous at Big Gulch (Terror in the Neighborhood)

Episode 3 - March 18, 1982

Leslie Nielsen [Detective Frank Drebin]
Alan North [Captain Ed Hocken]
Rex Hamilton [Abraham Lincoln]
Ed Williams [Ted Olson]
William Duell [Johnny the snitch]
Peter Lupus [Norberg]
Florence Henderson [herself]
Al Ruscio [Dutch]
Robert Costanzo [Leo]
John Ashton [Rocky]
Connie Needham [Jill]
Rebecca Holden [Stella]
Script: Nancy Steen, Neil Thompson
Director: Reza S. Badiyi

Transcribed by: Kenneth Kirkland

EXTERIOR STREET SCENE OUTSIDE OF A BUTCHER SHOP
A MAN IN A BUTCHER'S APRON IS STANDING ON THE SIDEWALK HOLDING A DEAD CHICKEN. TWO MEN IN SUITS APPROACH. THE BUTCHER TAKES MONEY FROM HIS SHIRT POCKET AND HANDS IT TO ONE OF THE MEN. THE OTHER MAN MAKES A NOTATION IN A NOTEBOOK.

EXTERIOR STREET SCENE OUTSIDE OF A PET STORE SHOP
A MAN IS STANDING ON THE SIDEWALK HOLDING A DEAD CAT. THE TWO MEN APPROACH. THE PET STORE OWNER TAKES MONEY FROM HIS SHIRT POCKET AND HANDS IT TO ONE OF THE MEN. THE OTHER MAN MAKES A NOTATION IN A NOTEBOOK.

EXTERIOR SCENE OF A PLAYGROUND OUTSIDE OF THE MOMMIE DEAREST DAYCARE
A JOAN CRAWFORD LOOK-ALIKE IS HOLDING A DEAD CHILD BY THE ANKLE. THE TWO MEN APPROACH. SHE GIVES THE MONEY IN HER HAND TO ONE OF THE MEN. THE OTHER MAN MAKES A NOTATION IN A NOTEBOOK.

INTERIOR STREET SCENE OF A DANCE STUDIO.
A DANCE INSTRUCTOR IS TEACHING A CLASS
JILL: Alright, girls. That was very, very nice. Now, we're going to do it one more time, OK?
JILL TURNS AND PUTS ON A RECORD
JILL: Now, just watch me very carefully and do exactly as I do. OK? And...
THE INSTRUCTOR AND THE CLASS DANCE TOWARD THE DOOR. THE TWO MEN IN SUITS OPEN THE DOOR.
LEO: It's payday teacher. Let's have the fifty bucks.
JILL: Look! I don't have anything this week. Business is really bad.
JILL TURNS TO HER STUDENTS.
JILL: Come on. Come on. Continue girls. Come on.
THE STUDENTS DANCE AWAY.
ROCKY: Well, ain't that too bad?
LEO: It looks like the teacher needs a few lessons, Rock. Give her the business.
JILL: No! Please don't!
ROCKY: It's OK, sweetheart. I'm just going to rearrange that pretty little face of yours.
ROCKY SLAPS AND PUNCHES JILL. THE DANCE STUDENTS MIMIC THE MOVEMENTS OF JILL AS SHE IS BEATEN.

EXTERIOR SCENE
DREBIN IS SEATED AT THE STEERING WHEEL OF A CAR. HE PUTS ON A CRASH HELMET. THE CAR ACCELERATES AND CRASHES INTO ANOTHER CAR.
DREBIN (voice over): My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin, detective lieutenant, Police Squad, a special division of the police department. I was out testing new emergency police vehicles when I got the call about a girl beaten in what appeared to be a neighborhood protection racket squeeze.

INTERIOR SCENE OF THE SQUAD ROOM
DREBIN ENTERS
DREBIN (voice over): I drove down to headquarters immediately. My boss, Ed Hocken, was already there.
DREBIN: Ed.
HOCKEN IS HOLDING A SHEET OF PAPER.
HOCKEN: Oh, hi, Frank. I'm glad your here. This is a tough one.
HOCKEN HANDS THE PAPER TO DREBIN.
DREBIN: What have you got?
HOCKEN: One scared lady.
HOCKEN TAKES THE PAPER BACK
HOCKEN: A couple of hoods beat up on her real good.
DREBIN TAKES THE PAPER BACK
DREBIN: Did she say anything?
HOCKEN TAKES THE PAPER BACK
HOCKEN: Nah, nothing. Same m.o. as the others.
DREBIN TAKES THE PAPER BACK
DREBIN: Right. Where is she?
HOCKEN TAKES THE PAPER BACK AND POINTS AHEAD
HOCKEN: Right over there.
A UNIFORMED OFFICER WALKS BY AND TAKES THE PAPER FROM HOCKEN. DREBIN STARTS TO WALK TO HER.
HOCKEN: Oh, Frank. She looks pretty bad.
DREBIN NODS AND TAKES OUT A PACK OF CIGARETTES. HE APPROACHES A HORRIBLY DISFIGURED PERSON.
DREBIN: I'm Sergeant Drebin, Jill. I know this may not be the right time....
HOCKEN: Frank! Not that bad.
HOCKEN POINTS ACROSS THE ROOM
HOCKEN: That's her over there.
DREBIN: Sorry, ma'am.
DREBIN WALKS OVER TO THE OTHER WOMAN AND SITS ON THE CORNER OF THE DESK.
DREBIN: Jill? I'm Captain Drebin.
DREBIN OFFERS HER A CIGARETTE.
DREBIN: Cigarette?
JILL: Yes, it is.
DREBIN: Well, I'm here to help you. Coffee?
JILL: No, thank you.
DREBIN: Tea?
JILL: No.
A DESSERT CART ROLLS INTO VIEW.
DREBIN: Eclair? Rum ball? Tort?
JILL: No, really, thank you.
DREBIN: Jill, you've got to give us something to go on. Name, description, sounds, smells, shirt size, anything. Will you do that?
JILL: I really should go. I shouldn't be here.
DREBIN: Jill, I know you're frightened. These criminals, that what they count on. Fear is their greatest weapon. Jill, if you'll help us, we'll put them behind bars for good.
JILL: I'm sorry, but I just didn't get a good look.
DREBIN: But we can't let these vermin infest our city. We'll have a rotten scumsucking cesspool...
OFFICER #1 (off camera): Frank! Please! I'm trying to eat this tuna fish sandwich!
DREBIN: A rat infested, worm ridden, festering boil...
OFFICER #2 (off camera): Oh, Frank, cut it out, willya! I'm talking to my mother!
JILL: I'm really sorry.
DREBIN: Alright, Jill. I see I'm wasting my breath.
DREBIN WALKS OVER TO A UNIFORMED SERGEANT'S DESK.
DREBIN (quietly, to the sergeant): See the girl over there?
THE SERGEANT LOOKS OVER AT JILL.
DREBIN (quietly, to the sergeant): When she leaves, put a tail on her.
DREBIN TURNS AND WALKS AWAY. THE SERGEANT OPENS A DESK DRAWER AND TAKES OUT A FAKE ANIMAL TAIL.

INTERIOR SCENE OF THE SQUAD ROOM
HOCKEN IS STANDING IN FRONT OF A MAP. DREBIN APPROACHES.
DREBIN: Ed.
HOCKEN: Frank.
DREBIN: Are these guys concentrating on any particular area in the city?
HOCKEN: No, we're getting complaints from all over town. But I have a hunch they're concentrating right here.
HOCKEN POINTS TO A SOLID CLUSTER OF PUSHPINS ON THE MAP.
DREBIN: And nobody'll talk?
HOCKEN: No. I tell you, Frank, without a witness we're dead.
DREBIN: Maybe we're just going to have to get our evidence first hand.
HOCKEN: I don't understand, Frank.
DREBIN: Well, let's say, a new merchant moves into the neighborhood and opens up a shop.
HOCKEN: OK.
DREBIN and HOCKEN (in unison): A new merchant moves into the neighborhood and opens up a shop.
DREBIN: And let's say that merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.
HOCKEN: Alright.
DREBIN and HOCKEN (in unison): That merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.
HOCKEN: That's a good plan, Frank.
DREBIN MOTIONS.
DREBIN: Al.
DREBIN POINTS TO THE MAP
DREBIN: Get down to this neighborhood, here, locate a small business that we can occupy immediately.
AL: OK, lieutenant, I'll get right on it.
DREBIN: What happened to your face?
AL: I ran into a fire sprinkler.
DREBIN: OK. Go ahead.
AL LEAVES.
HOCKEN: Frank, you better take somebody with you.
HOCKEN LEANS FORWARD AND TO THE LEFT.
HOCKEN: Get a hold of Officer Norberg. Tell him to drop whatever he's doing and get up here on the double.
CUT TO A SHOT OF A DWARF COP.
DWARF COP: Yes, Captain.

EXTERIOR DAYTIME STREET SCENE OF A LOCKSMITH SHOP
DREBIN AND NORBERG APPROACH THE FRONT DOOR.
DREBIN (voice over): Al did his job well. He found an abandoned locksmith's shop just down the street from Jill's dance studio in the heart of the terrorized neighborhood. It was a perfect location in an area of small businesses, honest people who worked hard to make a modest living. Easy pickings for extortionists.
DREBIN TRIES SEVERAL KEYS IN THE DOOR LOCK. HE KNOCKS AND GETS NO ANSWER.
DREBIN (voice over): Office Norberg from the undercover unit was assigned to the case. We planned to establish a business and hoped to become targets ourselves.
DREBIN CASUALLY TURNS HIS BACK TO THE DOOR AND BREAKS THE GLASS IN THE DOOR WITH HIS ELBOW. HE UNLOCKS THE DOOR AND THEY ENTER THE SHOP.

INTERIOR SCENE OF THE LOCKSMITH SHOP
NORBERG IS GRINDING A KEY FOR A CUSTOMER. SPARKS FROM THE GRINDER SHOWER THE MAN'S SHIRT, CAUSING IT TO SMOLDER. A FEMALE CUSTOMER APPROACHES DREBIN AND HANDS HIM A SLIP OF PAPER.
DREBIN: Your key is ready.
DREBIN RETRIEVES A KEY FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER.
DREBIN: Thank you. Come again.
FEMALE CUSTOMER: Thank you.
THE FEMALE CUSTOMER TURNS AND LEAVES. NORBERG FINISHES GRINDING THE KEY AND SHUTS OFF THE GRINDER.
NORBERG: Ah, there we are, sir. I'll just buff this down for you.
NORBERG ATTEMPTS TO BUFF THE KEY ON A WIRE GRINDING WHEEL, LOSES HIS GRIP, AND THE KEY STICKS IN THE CEILING ALONGSIDE SEVERAL OTHER KEYS.
NORBERG: Shoot!
A BELL RINGS, THE DOOR OPENS AND LEO AND ROCKY ENTER. ROCKY TAKES NORBERG'S CUSTOMER BY THE ARM.
ROCKY: Beat it, brush fire.
DREBIN: Hey, what's the idea of running my customer off?
LEO: We just want to have a little chat with you. You the new owner of this shop?
DREBIN: That's right. What can I do for you?
ROCKY: Nice place.
DREBIN: Thank you.
ROCKY: You know, this is a rough neighborhood. Bet you'd hate to see something happen to your little key store.
DREBIN: What about my little keister?
ROCKY: Key STORE.
LEO: You give us fifty bucks a week and we make sure your place stays safe.
DREBIN: I'm not interested.
LEO: We'll just have to make you interested.
DREBIN: Get out of my shop! You get nothing from me.
LEO: I think you're gonna be sorry you said that, mister.
DREBIN: Oh, yeah.
DREBIN SNEERS.
DREBIN: You and who else?
ROCKY CHARGES TOWARD DREBIN, BUT LEO STOPS HIM.
LEO: Easy, Rock.
LEO (to Drebin): We'll see you around.
LEO AND ROCKY TURN AND LEAVE. THEY CLOSE THE DOOR BEHIND THEM. SEVERAL KEYS FROM THE CEILING JAR LOOSE AND FALL ON NORBERG. DREBIN CROSSES ARMS.
DREBIN: Well, Norberg. It looks like we made contact with the organization.
NORBERG: You know, I was just thinking, lieutenant, what if we offer one key free for every three keys duplicated.
DREBIN: They know we're not going to be easy. The next move is up to them.
NORBERG: But only as a limited time offer.
THE SHOP IS SPRAYED WITH GUNFIRE. DREBIN AND NORBERG ARE OBLIVIOUS.
DREBIN: Look out!!!
DREBIN AND NORBERG DUCK BEHIND THE COUNTER. A ROCK CRASHES THROUGH THE FRONT WINDOW. A WOMAN SCREAMS. DREBIN PICKS UP THE ROCK.
DREBIN: It looks like they mean business.

EXTERIOR DAYTIME SCENE OF DREBIN AT THE WHEEL OF HIS CAR
DREBIN IS LOOKING OVER HIS RIGHT SHOULDER AS THE CAR BACKS UP AT A HIGH RATE OF SPEED.
DREBIN (voice over): I went back to the lab to find out what Olson had come up with. The rock that came through our window was a first warning. I knew it wouldn't be long before we were contacted again.

INTERIOR SCENE OF THE CRIME LAB
OLSON: Billy, electrostatic particles are created by an imbalance of electrons. The resulting charge is what we scientists call static electricity.
BILLY: Gee!
OLSON: It's just like when your mom takes a dress out of the dryer and puts it on and it clings to every supple curve and soft round...
THERE IS A LOUD NOISE IN THE CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE LAB. DREBIN ENTERS THE LAB.
OLSON: Oh, hi, Frank. Why don't you run along, now, Billy. Next week, don't forget to bring those magazines you found under your father's bed.
BILLY: OK, Mr. Olson. Bye.
DREBIN: What have you got, Ted.
OLSON: Not very much, Frank. I did a complete rundown on the rock that came through your window. No fingerprints. No laundry marks. Clean. It's a heck of an efficient weapon, Frank. You have to admire the simplicity of design.
DREBIN: Where did it come from?
OLSON: That's very interesting. I have a theory about that.
OLSON TURNS OFF THE ROOM LIGHTS AND TURNS ON A SLIDE PROJECTOR.
OLSON: As you know, Frank, billions of years ago, our earth was a molten mass. But for some reason not understood by scientists, the earth cooled, forming a crust. A hard, igneous shell. What we scientists call, rock.

EXTERIOR DAYTIME STREET SCENE OF THE LOCKSMITH SHOP
TIGHT SHOT OF THE FRONT WINDOW, SHOWING WHERE THE ROCK THROWN THROUGH THE WINDOW HAD KNOCKED THE "L" OUT OF "LOCKSMITH", LEAVING "OCKSMITH".
A MAN IS STANDING OUTSIDE THE SHOP HOLDING A STEER BY A LEAD ROPE. DREBIN PULLS UP IN HIS CAR AND PARKS.
DREBIN (voice over): The next morning, Officer Norberg and I continued our business as if nothing had happened. But I knew we hadn't seen the last of our two persuasive friends. They were obviously determined to control the neighborhood and I was determined to try to stop them anyway I could.
DREBIN: Is there something I can do for you?
CATTLEMAN: Oxsmith?
DREBIN: N0, no, no. LOCKSMITH. LOCKSMITH.
DREBIN MOTIONS HIM AWAY. DREBIN ENTERS THE SHOP.
DREBIN: Hi, Norberg.
NORBERG: Glad you're back, lieutenant. Business is booming. I just got a huge order to deliver some deadbolts.
DREBIN WALKS THROUGH THE COUNTER AND BANGS THE PASSTHROUGH AS HE CLOSES IT BEHIND HIM. SEVERAL KEYS FALL FROM THE CEILING.
NORBERG: I'll be back in a few minutes.
DREBIN: No problem.
NORBERG LEAVES.
LEO AND ROCKY ENTER THE SHOP.
DREBIN: Well, if it isn't the insurance salesmen.
ROCKY: You should be more careful with your property.
LEO: Yeah, we heard you had a bad accident. It's too bad you weren't protected.
DREBIN: The way I look at it, you owe me a hundred dollars for that window.
ROCKY: Us? We don't know what you're talking about.
DREBIN PICKS UP THE ROCK.
DREBIN: So how do you explain this?
LEO TAKES THE ROCK FROM DREBIN.
LEO: Well, billions of years ago, the earth was a molten mass...
DREBIN: I'm not interested in that. You owe me a hundred dollars, now cough it up!
LEO COUGHS INTO HIS HAND AND A PIECE OF PAPER FLIES OUT. DREBIN PICKS IT UP AND LOOKS AT IT.
DREBIN: That's only a twenty.
LEO TURNS TOWARD THE DOOR.
LEO: Rocky.
LEO TURNS THE "OPEN" SIGN AROUND TO READ "SORRY, OWNER BEING BEATEN. BE BACK IN 5 MINS.".

EXTERIOR DAYTIME STREET SCENE OUTSIDE THE LOCKSMITH SHOP
THE SOUNDS OF A FIGHT ARE HEARD. THE DOOR OPENS AND SEVERAL CHICKENS FLY OUT AND THE DOOR CLOSES. THE DOOR OPENS AGAIN, SEVERAL POTS AND PANS FLY OUT, AND THE DOOR CLOSES AGAIN. A MAN IN WESTERN ATTIRE FLIES THROUGH THE WINDOW OF THE FRONT DOOR AND LANDS ON THE STREET. LEO AND ROCKY FLY OUT THROUGH THE DOOR. DREBIN OPENS THE DOOR AND WALKS OUT.
DREBIN: Why don't you lie there 'til Tuesday. That's when they pick up the garbage.
DREBIN BLOWS ON HIS KNUCKLES AND A CROWD BEGINS CHEERING. DREBIN NODS TO THE CROWD, WALKS BACK INTO THE SHOP AND HANGS UP THE "OPEN" SIGN. DREBIN WAVES TO THE CROWD THROUGH THE DOOR.

INTERIOR OF AN OFFICE
TIGHT SHOT OF A WHITE LONG HAIRED CAT SITTING IN THE LAP OF A MAN IN A PINSTRIPE SUIT.
DUTCH: You idiots. You stupid, inept, lame brained morons.
LEO: What's wrong, Dutch?
DUTCH: What's wrong, Dutch? You make a hero out of a punk like that, people start getting ideas. They think we're soft. Pretty soon, we're out of business. I'll take care of this myself.
ROCKY: Well, when you get through with 'em, can we work him over?
DUTCH: I'm afraid that won't be possible. When I get through with him, he'll be dead!

ACT II: GESUNDHEIT
EXTERIOR DAYTIME STREET SCENE OUTSIDE THE LOCKSMITH SHOP
INTERIOR SCENE OF THE LOCKSMITH SHOP
NORBERG (on telephone): OK, that'll be eight padlocks, five combos, two deadbolts and a dozen hide-a-keys. By the way, would you be interested in our holiday gift set. Alright, I just thought I'd ask. Be right over.
NORBERG HANGS UP THE TELEPHONE.
NORBERG: Got a delivery, Frank.
DREBIN: Right, Norberg.
NORBERG GOES OUT THROUGH THE DOOR. A SULTRY RED-HEADED WOMAN IN A RED DRESS ENTERS.
DREBIN: May I help you?
STELLA: Yes, I'd like my apartment key duplicated, please.
DREBIN: Well, I think I can handle that.
DREBIN GOES BEHIND THE COUNTER, CLOSES THE PASSTHROUGH WITH A BANG AND SEVERAL KEYS FALL FROM THE CEILING.
DREBIN: Miss, uhh...?
STELLA: Call me Stella.
DREBIN: Alright, Stella.
STELLA: You know, uh, you can tell a lot about a woman by her keys.
DREBIN: Oh, really?
STELLA: Why, yes. Take my key, for example. Silverplated. Indicating that, umm, I'm a woman who likes the finer things in life.
DREBIN: I see.
STELLA: And the face of the key is unscratched. That suggests I have a gentle touch.
DREBIN: I understand. How many of these apartment keys would you like?
STELLA: Fifty.
STELLA HANDS A SHEET OF PAPER TO DREBIN.
STELLA: You can mail forty-nine of them to the Chicago Bears.
DREBIN: Well. And where would you like the fiftieth sent?
STELLA: Just bring it around to my apartment. You do deliver, don't you?
DREBIN: Of course.
STELLA: Three o'clock, then. Just let yourself in.
STELLA TURNS AND LEAVES.

INTERIOR SCENE OF AN APRTMENT BUILDING CORRIDOR
DREBIN (voice over): It took me two weeks to find Stella's apartment. She had neglected to give me her address. But I had a feeling she'd still be waiting for me.

INTERIOR SCENE OF STELLA'S APRTMENT
DREBIN TRIES HIS KEY IN THE LOCK. STELLA PICKS UP A REVOLVER AND FIRES THREE SHOTS. THE DOOR FALLS OFF OF ITS HINGES. STELLA RUNS TOWARD THE DOORWAY. SHE WALKS INTO THE HALLWAY. DREBIN GRABS HER AND DISARMS HER.
DREBIN: That's not exactly my idea of a warm welcome.
STELLA: I thought you were a burglar.
DREBIN: Oh, that's quite a story. I deliver the key as promised, you shoot me as a burglar.
STELLA: That's your story.
THE TELEPHONE RINGS.
DREBIN: Answer the telephone.
DREBIN LEADS STELLA TO THE TELEPHONE.
DREBIN: Pick it up.
STELLA PICKS UP THE RECEIVER.
STELLA: Hello?
DUTCH: Hello, baby. This is Dutch. You take care of that locksmith for me?
DREBIN (to Stella): You say what I tell you. Everything is taken care of.
STELLA: Everything is taken care of.
DUTCH: That's my girl.
DREBIN: I'd sure like to see you.
STELLA: I'd sure like to see you.
DUTCH: Sure thing, baby. Do you still love me?
DREBIN: Of course I love you.
STELLA: Of course I love you.
DUTCH: You don't sound like you mean it, lammykins.
DREBIN: Of course I mean it, lammykins.
STELLA: Of course I mean it, lammykins.
DUTCH: Do you really, binkypoo?
DREBIN: More than anything, shnooky lumps.
STELLA: More than anything, shnooky lumps.
DUTCH: Shnooky lumps? Ooh, I like that. Shnooky lumps. You've never called me that before. What happened last night to bring this on?
DREBIN: When you held me in your manly arms and crushed me to your lips, I discovered what it meant to be a real woman.
STELLA LOOKS DESBELIEVINGLY AT DREBIN.
DREBIN: When I think of your handsome face, your cruel lips, your strong chin, the way you touch, the way you smother me with kisses...
DUTCH: Honey, I gotta go! Meet me at my office tomorrow at three.
DREBIN: Alright, darling.
STELLA: Alright, darling.
DREBIN TAKES THE RECEIVER AND HANGS IT UP.
STELLA: What are you going to do now?
DREBIN: You and I are going down to headquarters.
DREBIN LEADS STELLA TOWARD THE DOOR.

EXTERIOR STREET SCENE
DREBIN DRIVES UP AND KNOCKS OVER SEVERAL TRASH CANS AS HE PARKS.
DREBIN (voice over): I booked Stella on an attempted murder charge. I had a stop to make before I kept my date with Dutch.
DREBIN GETS OUT OF HIS CAR.

EXTERIOR SCENE OF A SHOESHINE STAND
DREBIN: What's the word on the streets, Johnny?
JOHNNY: I hear a lot of things.
DREBIN OFFERS JOHNNY A BILL.
DREBIN: What do you know about Dutch Gunderson?
JOHNNY TAKES THE MONEY AND POCKETS IT.
JOHNNY: He grew up an orphan on the lower south side. His mother, a prostitute, died when he was only three. Started stealing apples at the age of six. Spent a lifetime in juvenile hall. All he's ever known is a world of crime. This doesn't excuse what he does, but I think we understand him a little better.
DREBIN OFFERS JOHNNY ANOTHER BILL.
DREBIN: I've got twenty asking for concrete evidence against Dutch.
JOHNNY TAKES THE MONEY AND POCKETS IT.
JOHNNY: I know none of this is admissable, but I've got some photostats of a couple of business dealings that make your guy look pretty dirty.
JOHNNY HANDS SEVERAL SHEETS OF PAPER TO DREBIN. DREBIN TAKES THEM AND LOOKS AT THEM.
DREBIN: Thanks, Johnny. It seems I've got a three fifteen appointment.
JOHNNY: Three o'clock.
DREBIN: Well.
DREBIN GETS UP AND LEAVES. A FIREMAN SITS DOWN AT THE SHOESHINE STAND.
FIREMAN: Johnny, there's a fire in the Brubaker Building.
JOHNNY: I don't know anything about it.
FIREMAN HESITATES, PULLS OUT MONEY AND OFFERS IT TO JOHNNY. JOHNNY TAKES THE MONEY AND POCKETS IT.
JOHNNY: That's a furniture warehouse. Once the fire hits the polyvinyl, you'll have dense smoke and lethal chlorine gas. Extinguish the main part of the fire with pump trucks and with foam. And bring in a cherry picker to evacuate the survivors.
FIREMAN: Thanks, Johnny.
FIREMAN GETS UP AND LEAVES.
FIREMAN: Men! Get your gas masks! I want a cherry picker over here by this wall.

INTERIOR SCENE OF DUTCH'S OFFICE
DUTCH IS SEATED AT HIS DESK PETTING HIS CAT WITH HIS BACK TO THE DOOR. DREBIN ENTERS AND CLOSES THE DOOR.
DUTCH: Ah, you're right on time, lammykins. Make yourself a drink, baby.
DREBIN: No, thanks, Dutch.
DUTCH TURNS TO FACE DREBIN.
DUTCH: Who are you and how did you get in here?
DREBIN: I'm a locksmith. And I'm a locksmith.
DUTCH: I surprised to see you still alive, locksmith.
DUTCH OPENS A DESK DRAWER. PUTS THE CAT IN AND CLOSES IT.
DUTCH: Stella usually doesn't miss.
DREBIN: I'm sorry to disappoint you. Just lucky I guess.
DUTCH OPENS ANOTHER DESK DRAWER TO REVEAL A SMALL DOG. HE PULLS A REVOLVER FROM THE DRAWER AND POINTS IT AT DREBIN.
DUTCH: Your luck may have just run out.
DREBIN TAKES OUT SEVERAL SHEETS OF PAPER AND UNFOLDS THEM.
DREBIN: Why, you don't think I'm going to come see the professor without doing my homework.
DREBIN HANDS THE PAPERS TO DUTCH.
DREBIN: That should make interesting reading to the police. That's a photostat. You can keep it.
DUTCH PUTS THE GUN BACK IN THE DRAWER AND CLOSES IT.
DUTCH: You've got guts, locksmith. Well, what's your game?
DREBIN: Dutch, I see what your organization takes in. I want to become part of it.
DUTCH: Interesting.
DUTCH GETS UP OUT OF HIS CHAIR.
DUTCH: I might have a job for you. I'm having some trouble with a certain tailor in the neighborhood.
DREBIN: You want me to collect from the tailor?
DUTCH: No, I want you to kill him.
DUTCH OPENS THE DRAWER OF A FILE CABINET AND TWO DOVES FLY OUT. HE PUTS A FILE FOLDER IN THE DRAWER AND CLOSES IT.

INTERIOR SCENE OF THE DANCE STUDIO.
JILL: You see, it's not that I'm not grateful for the police protection, captain. It's, it's just that it's, it's a little disruptive.
HOCKEN: We just want you to be safe, ma'am. That's why we brought the undercover men.
THE DOORS OF THE STUDIO OPEN. NORBERG ENTERS.
NORBERG: Captain.
HOCKEN: Yeah.
NORBERG: Lieutenant Drebin just called. They're hitting the old tailor tonight.
JILL: You see, captain. I'll be just fine for now. Couldn't you take your squad away.
HOCKEN: OK! Let's go!
THREE MIDDLE AGED MEN IN TIGHTS FOLLOW HOCKEN OUT OF THE STUDIO.

EXTERIOR NIGHTTIME STREET SCENE
DREBIN WALKS ALONG THE STREET TOWARD A DOORWAY. LEO COMES OUT OF THE DOORWAY AND ROCKY COMES AROUND THE CORNER.
LEO: Hey!
ROCKY TAKES DREBIN BY THE ARM.
DREBIN: Hey! What's the idea?
ROCKY: There's been a switch. We're hitting the dance teacher tonight.
LEO: Something wrong, locksmith?
DREBIN: Of course not.
LEO: So? Let's go.
LEO AND ROCKY WALK AWAY AND THEN STOP TO LOOK BACK AT DREBIN. DREBIN FOLLOWS.

INTERIOR SCENE OF THE DANCE STUDIO.
THE DOOR OPENS SUDDENLY. LEO AND ROCKY SHOVE DREBIN INTO THE STUDIO.
JILL: Lieutenant! What are you doing here? The other policemen just, just left.
LEO: So, you're a cop. I shoulda known.
LEO CHECKS DREBIN FOR WEAPONS AND TAKES HIS REVOLVER.
LEO: That's alright. That's one mistake we can fix real easy. Get over there sister. Alright, Rock. Let's kill us two birds with one stone.
DREBIN KNOCKS THE TOWEL FROM JILL'S HAND AND KICKS LEO. LEO'S GUN LANDS IN DREBIN'S HAND. ROCKY PULLS HIS REVOLVER. DREBIN SHOOTS IT OUT OF HIS HAND. JILL SCREAMS AND HUGS DREBIN, PINNING DOWN HIS GUN HAND.
DREBIN: Jill!
LEO AND ROCKY RUSH DREBIN. LEO LEAVES THE STUDIO WHILE ROCKY AND DREBIN STRUGGLE OVER THE PISTOL. THE PISTOL FLIES ACROSS THE ROOM. DREBIN PUNCHES ROCKY.
JILL: Look out! He's got a knife!
LEO RE-ENTERS THE STUDIO AND RUSHES DREBIN WITH A KNIFE. DREBIN BLOCKS THE KNIFE THRUST AND PUNCHES LEO.
JILL: Look out! He's got a club!
ROCKY RUSHES DREBIN WITH A CLUB. DREBIN BLOCKS HIS CLUB ARM AND PUNCHES ROCKY.
JILL: He's got a signed Picasso!
LEO RE-ENTERS THE STUDIO AND RUSHES DREBIN WITH A CUBIST PAINTING. DREBIN BLOCKS LEO AND PUNCHES HIM IN THE STOMACH.
JILL: Look out! He's got herpes! He's got cold sores!
ROCKY RUSHES DREBIN FACE FIRST. DREBIN HOLDS HIM AT ARM'S LENGTH AND PUNCHES HIM. LEO AND ROCKY ARE KNOCKED OUT. DREBIN PICKS UP A HANDKERCHIEF AND WIPES HIS KNUCKLES.
DREBIN: Jill, call the Police Squad.

EPILOGUE
INTERIOR SCENE OF THE POLICE SQUAD
DREBIN OPENS THE DOOR, ENTERS AND CLOSES THE DOOR.
DREBIN: Hey, Ed.
HOCKEN: Frank!
DREBIN: Good news. We just picked up Dutch Gunderson, that wraps up his operation.
HOCKEN: You know, Frank. Fear is a terrible thing. It makes people forget their duties as citizens.
DREBIN: Yeah. Well, there's one thing for sure. If Gunderson wants to run a protection racket, from now on he's going to have to do it in the Stateville Prison.
HOCKEN BEGINS TO POUR FRANK A CUP OF COFFEE.
HOCKEN: Say when, Frank.
DREBIN: Whe-
FAKE FREEZE FRAME. HOCKEN POURS COFFEE UNTIL DREBIN'S CUP RUNS OVER.