Testimony of Evil (Dead Men Don't Laugh)

Episode 6 - July 8, 1982

Leslie Nielsen [Detective Frank Drebin]
Alan North [Captain Ed Hocken]
Rex Hamilton [Abraham Lincoln]
Ed Williams [Ted Olson]
William Duell [Johnny the snitch]
Peter Lupus [Norberg]
William Conrad [himself]
Dick Clark [himself]
Danny Dayton [Joey Koldys]
Claudette Nevins [Veronica]
Dick Miller [Vic]
Jerry Layne [Willy]
Wayne Winton [coroner]
Script: Tino Insana, Robert Wuhl
Director: Joe Dante

Transcribed by: Kenneth Kirkland

EXTERIOR NIGHTTIME OF THE ENTRANCE TO MR. V'S NIGHT CLUB
INTERIOR SCENE OF MR. V'S
JOEY IS ON STAGE PERFORMING A STAND UP COMEDY ROUTINE.
JOEY: . . . and all the rabbits just kept hopping along.
POLITE AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.
JOEY: Well, things are really rough all over, though. Last week I took my family to Disneyland. We get off of the freeway, the sign says "Disneyland left", so we went home.
POLITE AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.
JOEY: Well, on behalf of the management, and I'd like to be half of the management, please, drink up, enjoy yourselves, and I'll see you later.
THE AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND A BAND BEGINS TO PLAY AS JOEY STEPS DOWN OFF OF THE STAGE.
VIC STOPS JOEY.
VIC: That's a very good show, Joey.
VIC STRAIGHTENS JOEY'S TIE AND GIVES HIM A LIGHT SLAP ON THE FACE.
VIC: Boss wants to see you.
JOEY: Oh, yeah.
JOEY WALKS AWAY.

INTERIOR OF AN OFFICE IN MR. V'S NIGHT CLUB
JOEY OPENS THE DOOR AND ENTERS.
VERONICA: Vic tells me that some of the money I gave you to pay the Frenchman was missing. The Frenchman was very upset.
VIC FLICKS OPEN A SWITCHBLADE KNIFE IN FRONT OF JOEY.
VIC: Let me take your coat.
JOEY REMOVES HIS JACKET
VERONICA: And when he's upset . . .
VERONICA BREAKS NUTS WITH A NUTCRACKER.
VIC PINS JOEY'S COAT TO THE WALL WITH THE SWITCHBLADE KNIFE.
VERONICA: . . . I'm upset.
JOEY: Look, I don't care what they say, I didn't steal a thing.
VIC: So what do I tell the Frenchman?
VERONICA: Just tell him . . .
JOEY SWALLOWS HARD.
VERONICA: . . . I'll take care of everything.
VERONICA MOTIONS TO VIC WITH THE NUTCRACKER.
VIC TURNS, PULLS THE SWITCHBLADE OUT OF THE WALL, KICKS THE JACKET AFTER IT FALLS TO THE FLOOR, AND EXITS THROUGH THE OFFICE DOOR.
WITH HER BACK TURNED, VERONICA DROPS A TABLET INTO A FLUTE OF CHAMPAGNE.
JOEY: Veronica, I'd never double-cross you, I swear on my life.
VERONICA TURNS.
VERONICA: Listen, Joey, that's good enough for me.
VERONICA PATS JOEY ON THE ARM.
VERONICA: Come on. Let's have a drink and forget about it.
JOEY: Hey, we make a great team, don't we?
VERONICA: Let's toast to it.
VERONICA AND JOEY TOUCH GLASSES. VERONICA TURNS A STROLLS AWAY SLOWLY.
VERONICA: Here's to your . . . health.
JOEY DOWNS HIS ENTIRE GLASS IN ONE DRINK.

EXTERIOR OF A WINDING, ISOLATED ROAD. A TWO-SEAT SPORTS CAR CAREENS ALONG THE ROAD.

SHOT OF JOEY AT THE STEERING WHEEL OF THE CAR
JOEY: (singing) . . . that old black magic that, you weave so well. As I see fingers of . . .
A PUZZLED LOOK CROSSES JOEY'S FACE
EXTERIOR SHOT THROUGH THE CAR WINDSHIELD. A DISEMBODIED SKULL SPEAKS WITH VERONICA'S VOICE.
SKULL: Just tell the Frenchman, I'll take care of everything.
SHOT OF JOEY AT THE STEERING WHEEL OF THE CAR
JOEY SHAKES HIS HEAD, BLINKS HIS EYES AND CHECKS HIS FOREHEAD FOR SWEAT WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
EXTERIOR SHOT THROUGH THE CAR WINDSHIELD. A CYLON FIGHTER SPACECRAFT FROM BATTLESTAR GALLATICA FIRES AT JOEY.
SHOT OF JOEY AT THE STEERING WHEEL OF THE CAR
JOEY SHAKES HIS HEAD, BLINKS HIS EYES AGAIN. ANOTHER PUZZLED LOOK CROSSES JOEY'S FACE.
EXTERIOR SHOT THROUGH THE CAR WINDSHIELD. THE CAR NOW APPEARS TO BE ON THE TRACKS OF A ROLLER COASTER.
SHOT OF JOEY AT THE STEERING WHEEL OF THE CAR
A TERRIFIED LOOK CROSSES JOEY'S FACE.
EXTERIOR SHOT THROUGH THE CAR WINDSHIELD. THE THREE STOOGES APPEAR IN FRONT OF JOEY.
MOE: Put up your hands.
CURLY RAISES HIS HANDS OVER HIS HEAD. MOE SLAPS CURLY ACROSS THE FACE, AND STOMPS ON CURLY'S FOOT. LARRY GRABS AND TWISTS CURLY'S RIGHT EAR, WHILE MOE GRABS AND TWISTS CURLY'S LEFT EAR. CURLY GROWLS. MOE THUMPS CURLY ON THE FOREHEAD.
SHOT OF JOEY AT THE STEERING WHEEL OF THE CAR
JOEYS SCREAMS AND PUTS UP HIS HANDS TO PROTECT HIS FACE.
EXTERIOR SHOT. THE SPORTS CAR CRASHES THROUGH A WOODEN FENCE AND CRASHES OFF-CAMERA.

EXTERIOR NIGHT SCENE OF DREBIN AT THE STEERING WHEEL OF A CAR WITH A BLONDE WOMAN IN THE PASSENGER SEAT.

DREBIN: (voice over) My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad. I was driving home Mary, the boxer's wife when I received an urgent call to report to the city morgue. I raced over.

INTERIOR SCENE OF THE CITY MORGUE. PAN SHOT OF BARE FEET WITH TOE TAGS.

DREBIN: (voice over) What had originally appeared to be a routine drunk driving fatality, was now developing into a somewhat more involved situation. Even though the reported crash had been a sizable one, various elements in the victim's bloodstream had led the police coroner to suspect something more, and we didn't need this kind of source. A battery of pathologists and reconstruction experts were assigned to the case. Crime can be a terrifying threat to the members of a community, and we had no intention of letting this, or any other, go unchecked. When I arrived at the morgue, my boss had already begun to investigate the physical evidence. As was our custom in such cases, we began to talk.
DREBIN AND HOCKEN PEER INTO A DRAWER.
DREBIN: This is disgusting.
HOCKEN: Yeah, I can't take looking at that sort of thing.
SHOT OF AN 8x10 PHOTOGRAPH OF ALEXANDER HAIG. GAGGING SOUNDS ARE HEARD. DON APPROACHES.
HOCKEN: Don, where have you got the body of Joey Koldys.
DON: Oh, right here.
DON STEPS IN FRONT OF DREBIN AND SHUTS THE DRAWER.
DON: Excuse me. It's a typical four fifteen.
DREBIN: Four fifteen?
DON: Yes. The body was found four hundred and fifteen feet from the car.
DON OPENS ANOTHER DRAWER.
HOCKEN: Oh.
SHOT INSIDE OF THE DRAWER OF JOEY WITH A CAR STEERING WHEEL AROUNG HIS NECK.
DREBIN: Must have been a terrible accident.
DON: Yes, but the crash didn't kill him.
DON CLOSES THE DRAWER.
HOCKEN: Oh?
DON: This man died of a drug overdose. Not only that gentlemen, but the quantity involved was so massive that, it is my opinion, Mr. Koldys' death was either suicide, or murder.
TWO ORDERLIES STRUGGLE TO GET A BODY BAG INTO A DRAWER IN THE BACKGROUND. CRACKING SOUNDS ARE HEARD.
HOCKEN: Frank, there's another thing about Joey Koldys. He was a courier for a major drug running operation and a police informant. I think he was murdered.
DREBIN: Do you think he was killed because he was a stoolie?
HOCKEN: Maybe. He was always bragging about all of the big money he handled. Maybe he got stupid and tried to rip some off. HOCKEN AND DREBIN BEGIN TO WALK AWAY.
HOCKEN: Thanks again, Don.
DON POSITIONS A MICROPHONE AND BEGINS AN AUTOPSY.
DON: Multiple bruises of the upper torso. Some indication of cardiovascular failure. Turning to the weather, we have a cold front moving in from the west that will bring us some showers tonight. Now, here's the latest from Neil Diamond. Going out to Margo, from Barry.
DON PLACES A TONE ARM ON AN LP RECORD.

INTERIOR SHOT OF AN ELEVATOR DOOR.
HOCKEN IS WAITING FOR AN ELEVATOR. DREBIN APPROACHES.
DREBIN: Ed.
HOCKEN: Frank.
DREBIN POINTS TO THE FILE FOLDER IN HOCKEN'S RIGHT HAND.
DREBIN: File on Koldys?
HOCKEN: Yeah. Yeah. It's a complete, detailed report. Born 1942 in Philadelphia, in and out of of foster homes until the age of fifteen, then he moved into Smith's home. He wasn't happy there either. Then he fought Larry Holmes. Last known address was a mobile home in Alabama.
HOCKEN TURNS A PAGE IN THE REPORT.
HOCKEN: Married, one child. That didn't work out, so he married a grown woman.
THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN. HOCKEN AND DREBIN GET IN.
DREBIN: I wonder how Joey got involved with a dope ring.
INTERIOR SHOT INSIDE AN ELEVATOR
HOCKEN: He was a comedian at a nightclub called Mr. V's. The place was a front for a dealer named Veronica Rivers.
THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN TO REVEAL A SHOT OF A HORSE MOUNTED CAVALRY TROOP. A CAVALRY OFFICER GETS ON THE ELEVATOR.
HOCKEN: Unfortunately, our contact in the organization is gone now, Frank. And what's worse is, we don't have a line on their supplier. Some guy called the Frenchman.
DREBIN: Until we get him, there's no sense going after the little fish.
HOCKEN: That's right.
THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN TO REVEAL INDIANS ATTACKING CIRCLED COVERED WAGONS. THE CAVALRY OFFICER GETS OFF THE ELEVATOR, CROUCHES, AND FIRES A PISTOL. A FLAMING ARROW IS SHOT INTO THE ELEVATOR AND STRIKES THE WALL NEXT TO HOCKEN'S HEAD AS THE ELEVATOR DOORS CLOSE.
HOCKEN: And to get the big fish, we're going to need some bait.
DREBIN: Have we got anyone else on the inside?
HOCKEN: Well, there is a job at Mr. V's open right now.
DREBIN: Joey's.
HOCKEN NODS

EXTERIOR NIGHTTIME SHOT OF MR. V'S NIGHTCLUB
A DOORMAN STEPS TO THE CURB TO MEET A TAXI AND OPENS THE CAB DOOR FOR A MAN AND WOMAN.
DREBIN (voice over): Mr. V's was a high class operation in the exclusive Shorewood Area that had launched some of the biggest names in show business.
THE DOORMAN TIPS HIS HAT AND GETS IN THE CAB HIMSELF.
DREBIN (voice over): Although alledged to be a mob hangout by Ricky "The Weasel" Solstein, we had no hard evidence against the club.
INTERIOR SHOT OF MR. V'S. STANDING BY A SIGN THAT READS "COAT AND TIE REQUIRED FOR ADMISSION", VIC LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.
DREBIN (voice over): I decided to put in my application for Joey Koldys' job.
VIC TAKES A COAT AND TIE FROM A PATRON AND HANDS IT TO A COAT CHECK GIRL.
VIC: Madam.
HOCKEN STANDS LEANING AGAINST A WALL NEXT TO DREBIN, FLIPPING A COIN. DREBIN WALKS TOWARD VIC.
DREBIN: Excuse me, are you the manager?
VIC: Yes.
DREBIN: I'm an entertainer from out of town. I hear you have an opening.
VIC: Sorry, pal. We filled it. Nicky, where have you been? Hurry up, will ya? You're almost on.
NICKY APPROACHES.
NICKY: I missed the bus.
VIC: Look, we've already got an entertainer. Why don't you come back in a couple of weeks.
HOCKEN APPROACHES.
HOCKEN: Are you Nicky McBreen?
NICKY: Yeah.
HOCKEN: You're under arrest.
NICKY: For what?
HOCKEN: Reproducing the accounts, pictures or descriptions of a major league baseball game without the express written consent of the commissioner.
NICKY: OK, so I taped a game.
HOCKEN: All right, let's go.
HOCKEN TAKES NICKY BY THE ARM AND LEADS HIM AWAY.
NICKY: I had a few friends over. But I didn't charge 'em. All right, a couple of bucks a head.
VIC: Hey! What are you doing? Without him I got no show!
DREBIN: What about me? I'm hot and ready to go.
VIC: Looks like I've got no choice. What's your name?
DREBIN: DeWonda. Tony DeWonda.
VIC: Tony. You're on.
DREBIN NODS AND WALKS AWAY.
INTERIOR OF THE NIGHT CLUB AT MR. V'S. DREBIN CROSSES THE ROOM AND TAKES THE STAGE.
DREBIN: Ladies and gentlemen, the Johnny Friendly Trio!
DREBIN BEGINS CLAPPING AND NO ONE ELSE IN THE CLUB JOINS IN.
DREBIN: Well, I just flew in from out of town, and a guy at the airport comes up and says "Give me five dollars until pay day". And I said, "Well, when's pay day?" And he says, "How do I know. You've got the job".
NO REACTION FROM THE AUDIENCE.
DREBIN: I've got a bad back, you know. My father had a bad back, too, so I guess it runs in the family. In fifty years, I've never seen him pick up a check.
SMALL TITTER OF LAUGHTER.
DREBIN: But, you know, uhh, seriously, I mean it. We did come from a poor family. Uhh, the health department wouldn't condemn our house until we had it painted.
RIMSHOT. MORE LAUGHTER.
TRANSITION TO LATER IN THE PERFORMANCE WITH RAUCOUS AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.
DREBIN: Seriously, seriously. Hold it, seriously. Anyway, a gal came back from her honeymoon. She was alone and her parents welcomed her with open arms. And they said to her, "Delilah, hat gut gemacht."
TRANSITION TO LATER IN THE PERFORMANCE WITH RAUCOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
DREBIN: So the guy looked up at her and said, "Lady, I don't think I can take sixty-seven more of those".
MORE LAUGHTER. VIC CROSSES THE ROOM CLAPPING. VERONICA, SITTING AT A TABLE, SMILES.
DREBIN: You know, my sister was so ugly, they used to put a pork chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her.
MORE LAUGHTER.
DREBIN: She was so dumb, she came in one time with hot tar in her hand and said, "Look what I almost stepped in".
MORE LAUGHTER.
DREBIN: Hey, hey, hey, ha ha ha. Hey, that's some laugher here. Is that your wife beside you or are you just rough in the seat?
DREBIN: No, no, no. Just a minute now. Hold on. Now really, it's time to get serious.
DREBIN UNTIES HIS BOW TIE.
DREBIN: I'd like now to do for you, my tribute to that fantastic performer, great lady, Judy.
THE BAND BEGINS PLAYING. THE AUDIENCE LETS OUT A COLLECTIVE "AWWWWWW".
DREBIN (singing): Clang, clang, clang went the trolley. Ding, ding, ding went the bell. Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings.
FADE TO ANOTHER SHOT OF DREBIN ONSTAGE.
DREBIN (singing): You know you made me, yes you do, you know I do, indeed I do. Gimme, gimme, gimme what I strive for. You know you've got the kind of kisses that I'd die for. . .
FADE TO ANOTHER SHOT OF DREBIN ONSTAGE.
DREBIN (singing): If happy little bluebirds fly, beyond the rainbow, why, oh why, can't I.
AUDIENCE BLOWS ITS COLLECTIVE NOSE. AUDIENCE CLAPS. DREBIN BLOWS KISSES FROM THE STAGE AND BOWS. DREBIN STEPS DOWN OFF THE STAGE AND SHAKES HANDS WITH SEVERAL AUDIENCE MEMBERS. VIC STOPS DREBIN AND SHAKES HIS HAND.
VIC: I've seen the greatest. Sinatra, Wayne Newton, Carl Yasztremski. That was the greatest performance I've ever seen in my life.
DREBIN: Oh, not really.
VIC: Ah, yeah. Listen, the boss is here. She wants to meet you.
VIC MOTIONS TOWARD VERONICA. DREBIN BUTTONS HIS SHIRT AND TURNS TO WALK TOWARD VERONICA.
VERONICA: Have a seat, Mr. DeWonda.
DREBIN SITS IN THE BOOTH BESIDE VERONICA.
DREBIN: Thank you.
VERONICA NODS TO VIC.
VERONICA: Thanks, Vic.
VIC SMILES.
VIC: Right.
VIC TURNS AND WALKS AWAY.
VERONICA PICKS UP A CIGARETTE. IN A TIGHT SHOT, SEVEN MALE HANDS FLICK CIGARETTE LIGHTERS. VERONICA TAKES A PUFF.
VERONICA: You look pretty good out there. How would you like a job at my club.
DREBIN: So, you must be Mr. V.
VERONICA: Veronica Rivers. You worked this room real well.
DREBIN: I heard about it from a friend of mine, Joey Koldys.
VERONICA RAISES AN EYEBROW.
VERONICA: Terrible thing that happened to him.
VERONICA CRACKS TWO NUTS IN HER RIGHT HAND.
VERONICA: Would you like a drink.
DREBIN: Why not?
VERONICA MOTIONS TO A GLASS ON THE TABLE.
VERONICA: I took the liberty of ordering you our house special.
VERONICA AND DREBIN CLINK GLASSES.
VERONICA: To your health, kid.
VERONICA AND DREBIN TAKE A SIP. DREBIN BEGINS TO JERK AND SPEW OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

ACT II: LIEBER
INTERIOR OF MR.V'S NIGHT CLUB. DREBIN IS STILL CHOKING.
VERONICA: Tony? Are you OK?
VERONICA SLAPS DREBIN ON THE BACK TWICE. DREBIN STOPS CHOKING.
DREBIN: Went down the wrong pipe.
VERONICA: Oh. Listen, uh, if you're going to work here, you'll need a contract, so why don't we go over to my office and you can sign one.
DREBIN: Fine.
DREBIN GETS UP AND VERONICA FOLLOWS.

INTERIOR OF VERONICA'S OFFICE.

DREBIN OPENS THE DOOR FOR VERONICA, AND SHE WALKS IN.
LAYNE: Hold it right there, Rivers.
THE SHOT PULLS BACK TO REVEAL A MAN HOLDING A GUN IN HIS LEFT HAND, POINTED AT VERONICA AND DREBIN. THE MAN HOLDS A VENTRILOQUIST'S DUMMY IN HIS RIGHT HAND.
VERONICA: Who are you?
LAYNE: My name is Jerry Layne.
LAYNE POINTS THE GUN TOWARD THE DUMMY.
LAYNE: This is Lester. We came here before. You wouldn't watch our act. Well now I'm going to force you to give us an audition. Sit down, both of you.
DREBIN: Now, Jerry. You'll never get away with this. Why don't you give me that gun and we'll forget about it.
LAYNE: Sit down and shut up.
VERONICA AND DREBIN SIT DOWN AT A TABLE.
LAYNE: Now, here's my act. Lester I heard you had a girlfriend.
LESTER: Yes.
LAYNE: Is she pretty?
LESTER: No. Try repulsive.
LAYNE: Repulsive?
LESTER: No, but you're gettin' close.
DREBIN AND VERONICA SIT SILENT.
LESTER: And now I'm going to do an imitation of a priest eating potato chips.
DREBIN STANDS UP SLOWLY.
LAYNE: Stay where you are, mister.
LESTER: You better do what he says. He'll blow your brains out.
DREBIN: Jerry, all I want to do is tell you that I think your act is pretty good.
LAYNE: You do?
LESTER: No, he doesn't.
DREBIN: No, I do, I really do. It's a very good act.
DREBIN TAKES OUT A PACK OF CIGARETTES AND OFFERS ONE TO LAYNE.
DREBIN: Come on. Cigarette?
LESTER: Yes, I know.
DREBIN: Well, I think that, uhhh, Thursday night here, the eight o'clock spot would be good for you.
VERONICA LOOKS SURPRISED.
LAYNE: Do you really?
LESTER: No, he doesn't. It's just a trick, stupid.
LAYNE: Yeah, how do I know you'll come through.
DREBIN: Well, that's easy. All you have to. . . LOOK OUT!
DREBIN POINTS OFF TO LAYNE'S RIGHT AND PUNCHES LESTER. LESTER"S HEAD SPINS AROUND ONCE. DREBIN PUNCHES LAYNE IN THE FACE AND HE FALLS DOWN. VERONICA LOOKS IMPRESSED. DREBIN BLOWS ON THE KNUCKLES OF HIS LEFT HAND.
VERONICA: Say, that was nice work. You took a big chance doing that.
DREBIN: Well, you take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan.
VERONICA: Well, I like the way you did that. I could use a man like you around here.
VERONICA TAKES OUT A CIGARETTE, PLACES IT TO HER LIPS AND EIGHT MALE HANDS WITH CIGARETTE LIGHTERS COME INTO THE SHOT TO GIVE HER A LIGHT. WHEN THE HANDS PULL AWAY VERONICA IS SMOKING A PIPE. CUT TO DREBIN, WHO IS SUDDENLY SMOKING A CIGAR.
VERONICA: How would you like to make a little extra cash?
DREBIN: What do I have to do?
VERONICA: Just a little errand. Pick up my car, tomorrow morning. It's down at the docks.

INTERIOR OF THE POLICE CRIME LAB RECEPTION AREA. DREBIN SHAKES HANDS WITH A MAN IN A LAB COAT.
DREBIN (voice over): When I got to the docks, everything was in order as Veronica had said.
THE MAN IN THE LAB COAT OPENS A DOOR MARKED EXAMINATION AND DREBIN WALKS THROUGH.
DREBIN (voice over): Drug trafficking is the heart and soul of criminal activity in the city, and I knew we had tapped the source.
DREBIN WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR AND WALKS AROUND A CAR IN THE ROOM, A MID-1960's LINCOLN CONTINENTAL.
DREBIN (voice over): But now, to find the evidence. I dropped the car off at the lab for a more thorough investigation.
THE MAN IN THE LAB COAT CLOSES THE DOOR.
INTERIOR OF THE POLICE CRIME LAB.
OLSON: So you see, Katie, objects get their shape from the arrangement of their molecules. If you apply force to these molecules, their arrangement is altered, the shape of the object is changed. Now, did you bring me your Crying Judy doll?
KATIE: Here she is, Mr. Olson.
KATIE HANDS THE DOLL TO OLSON.
OLSON: All right, let's see what happens when we put Crying Judy in the trash compactor.
OLSON PLACES THE DOLL IN A TRASH COMPACTOR AND PRESSES A BUTTON. GRINDING AND CRYING NOISES ARE HEARD. DREBIN ENTERS THE LAB.
OLSON: Oh, hi Frank.
OLSON PRESSES A BUTTON TO STOP THE COMPACTOR, OPENS IT AND REMOVES THE MUTILITATED DOLL. OLSON HANDS THE DOLL TO KATIE.
OLSON: Katie, why don't you run along now? Next week we'll learn why cows look forward to giving milk.
KATIE (off camera): Gee, thanks Mr. Olson. Bye.
DREBIN: What did you come up with Ted?
OLSON: The boys are working on the car. They haven't found anything yet.
OLSON WALKS THROUGH A DOOR WHILE DREBIN WALKS AROUND THE END OF A PARTIAL WALL.
OLSON: Let me show you what we're doing.
INTERIOR OF A GARAGE.
DREBIN: I know the car is dirty. There's got to be drugs here, somewhere.
MONTAGE OF THE DISMANTLING OF A CAR.
HOCKEN: Oh, I don't know, Frank. The pieces don't get much smaller.
CLOSE-UP OF A HAND OPENING THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.
OLSON: We've got it. We've got it.
OLSON CARRIES A SECTION OF THE INTERIOR AROUND TO THE FRONT OF THE CAR.
OLSON: It was in the glove compartment.
DREBIN TAKES OUT A CLEAR PLASTIC BAG CONTAINING A WHITE POWDER.
DREBIN: Well, look what we've got here.
HOCKEN: You sure that's the real thing.
NORBERG: There's only one way to find out.
NORBERG TAKES THE BAG FROM DREBIN
HOCKEN: Frank, you know we've had this car over six hours.
DREBIN: Yeah, Veronica's gonna get suspicious. Let's get this car back together, fast.
HOCKEN: Right.
NORBERG OPENS THE BAG OF POWDER. HE DIPS A FINGER IN THE POWDER AND TASTES IT, THEN REPEATS THE PROCESS TWICE MORE. NORBERG RAISES AN EYEBROW, SMILES AND NODS HIS HEAD.
CUT TO A SHOT OF NORBERG SWAYING TO THE BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING ON A RADIO.
NORBERG (singing): Shine little glow worm, glimmer, glimmer.
NORBERG: Wow, these guys are incredible. Whoo!
DREBIN: Ed, we know how Veronica gets the stuff. Now we've got to flush out the source, the Frenchman.
HOCKEN: To do that, Frank, we're going to have to find out when the next drop will be.
OLSON (handing car keys back to Drebin): The car is all back together.
CUT TO A SHOT OF TWO TECHNICIANS POLISHING A CHEVROLET CORVAIR.
OLSON: We did the best we could. There were a few pieces left over.
HOCKEN: You know, Frank, I'll that doctor that gave you the car could give us some answers.
DREBIN: You're right. Let's go.
NORBERG DANCES AND EATS POTATO CHIPS IN THE BACKGROUND AS DREBIN AND HOCKEN WALK AWAY.

INTERIOR SCENE OF AN OPERATING ROOM.
A TEAM OF SURGEONS AND NURSES ARE OPERATING ON A PATIENT WHEN DREBIN, HOCKEN AND TWO UNIFORMED OFFICERS BURST THROUGH THE DOORS.
DREBIN: All right, take him!!
THE UNIFORMED OFFICERS GRAB ONE OF THE SURGEONS
SURGEON: Hey!! What's going on here?
DREBIN (voice over): After I returned the car, my boss and I grabbed the doctor and booked him for drug trafficking.
THE REMAINING SURGEONS BEGIN ADMINISTERING CPR TO THE PATIENT.
DREBIN (voice over): After a lengthy interrogation, he told us the next drop-off was going to be that night, but he didn't know where. I decided to see if one of my sources knew anything.

EXTERIOR SCENE OF A SHOESHINE STAND

JOHNNY IS GIVING DREBIN A SHOESHINE.
DREBIN: Johnny, what do you know about illegal narcotics.
DREBIN HANDS JOHNNY A BILL. JOHNNY LOOKS TO THE LEFT AND THE RIGHT BEFORE TAKING THE MONEY.
JOHNNY: The city's been bone dry because of the unstable political situation in the drug producing countries of Latin America.
DREBIN: I understand there's going to be a drop tonight. Do you know where?
DREBIN HANDS JOHNNY ANOTHER BILL. JOHNNY GLANCES AGIN TO THE LEFT AND RIGHT.
JOHNNY: Word on the street has it the action is happening at Mr. V's.
DREBIN (winking): Thanks, Johnny.
DREBIN STANDS UP AND WALKS AWAY. DICK CLARK SITS DOWN AT THE SHOE SHINE STAND.
CLARK: Johnny, uhh, some kids on the show yesterday mentioned a new kind of music, ska. Do you know anything about it?
JOHNNY: How should I know anything.
CLARK HANDS A BILL TO JOHNNY. JOHNNY GLANCES TO THE LEFT AND RIGHT.
JOHNNY: It's nothing but a modern offshoot of reggae. Updated white rock influences. Definitely upbeat. It'll never become really popular because even though they made the backbeat more conventional, it's still too exotic for mass acceptance.
CLARK NODS IN AGREEMENT. CLARK GLANCES TO THE LEFT AND RIGHT.
CLARK: Johnny, I need some more of that secret formula youth cream.
CLARK HANDS SOME MONEY TO JOHNNY. JOHNNY DIGS A JAR OUT OF THE SHOESHINE STAND AND GIVES IT TO CLARK. CLARK OPENS THE JAR AND STARTS APPLYING THE CREAM TO HIS FACE. HE GETS UP TO LEAVE.
CLARK: Thanks, Johnny.

NIGHT EXTERIOR OF MR. V'S NIGHTCLUB.
INTERIOR OF MR. V'S NIGHTCLUB.

HOCKEN: Everything's all set, Frank. We've got me covering all of the exits.
HOCKEN NODS OFF TO THE RIGHT. A MAN COVERS A LIGHTED EXIT SIGN.
DREBIN: The Frenchman's got to be here tonight. Don't worry. I'll flush him out. It shouldn't be too hard to find a frenchman in this crowd.
VIC APPROACHES.
VIC: Tony, show time.
DREBIN (handing an autographed picture of himself to Hocken): All right, here you go. Gotta go.
HOCKEN: Good luck, Mr. DeWondaful.
MUSIC BEGINS PLAYING AND C+DREBIN TAKES THE STAGE.
DREBIN (singing): There are chicks, just ripe for the kissin', and I mean, to kiss me a few, man those sheikhs, don't know what they're missin', I've got a lot of livin', to do.
AUDIENCE BEGINS TO APPLAUD. DREBIN STEPS DOWN OFF OF THE STAGE.
DREBIN: Ahh, Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you.
DREBIN (to a lady): Where do you live, lady?
LADY: Right here.
DREBIN: At the table? Where'd you put your car? In the cloakroom?
AUDIENCE LAUGHS.
DREBIN (at another table): What do you do, sir?
MAN: Nothing.
DREBIN: How do you know when you're done?
AUDIENCE LAUGHS.
PAN TO A SHOT OF HOCKEN RUNNING A STRING BEHIND A POTTED PLANT AND ACROSS A DOORWAY.
DREBIN: How about you, sir? What do you do?
MAN: I'm an engineer.
DREBIN: Lionel or HO?
AUDIENCE LAUGHS. DREBIN WALKS TO ANOTHER TABLE.
DREBIN: How about you, sir? What do you do?
MAN: I . . . I . . .I . . .
DREBIN: Be careful. Don't get it wrong.
DREBIN WALKS TO ANOTHER TABLE WHERE A BALD BLACK MAN IS SEATED.
DREBIN (rubbing the bald man's head): Where are you from? Baldymore.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS. DREBIN WALKS TO ANOTHER TABLE, WATCHING A CONVERSATION VERONICA AND A WAITRESS.
DREBIN: Where are you from, sir?
MAN: Milwaukee.
DREBIN: Hey, why that's my hometown.
DREBIN (to a lady at another table): Where are you from?
LADY: Seattle.
DREBIN: Hey, why that's my hometown.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS.
DREBIN: Where are you from?
MAN: Chicago.
DREBIN: Hey, why that's your hometown.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS. THE WAITRESS LIFTS A FALSE TOP ON HER SERVING TRAY TO REVEAL SEVERAL PLASTIC BAGS OF A WHITE POWDER SUBSTANCE.
DREBIN (strolling across the room toward Veronica's table): I'd like to tell you about my dumb sister. She was so dumb that she thought that a zebra was the largest size it came in.
DREBIN GRABS THE WAITRESS AT VERONICA'S TABLE.
DREBIN: All right, Frenchman! The ruse is up.
DREBIN GRABS THE WAITRESS'S HAT AND WIG AND PULLS THEM OFF, REVEALING A MAN WITH A MUSTACHE AND GOATEE. THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS. DREBIN GRABS THE TRAY FROM THE MAN AND DUMPS IT ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF VERONICA.
DREBIN: Come on!!
THE MAN SPINS AWAY FROM DREBIN AND RUNS. DREBIN STEPS ACROSS THE ROOM ON SEVERAL TABLES AND TACKLES THE MAN. VERONICA AND VIC WALK AWAY. THEY PAUSE AT THE DOORWAY, LOOK TOWARD DREBIN, THEN NOD IN UNISON TOWARD THE DOOR. HOCKEN PULLS A STRING TAUT AND TRIPS VERONICA AND VIC.
THE MAN PUNCHES DREBIN IN THE FACE. DREBIN COUNTERS WITH A BODY BLOW AND A PUNCH TO THE FACE.
VIC (struggling with Hocken): You've got nothing on us!
HOCKEN: I do now.
DREBIN RESTRAINS THE MAN. THE AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND DREBIN SMILES.

INTERIOR OF THE SQUAD ROOM
HOCKEN (examining a piece of paper): Well, Frank, this case is all wrapped up. Veronica Rivers confessed to killing Joey Koldys, and we've got her and Vic and the Frenchman on the dope smuggling wrap.
DREBIN (sitting on the edge of a desk): Yep, from now on they'll all be up there together at the Stateville Prison.
NORBERG ENTERS THE SQUADROOM HOLDING A POSTER.
HOCKEN: Yep, along with Martin and Dutch and Lana and Thames and Sally Decker.
NORBERG: Hey, Captain, can I use your phone a minute?
HOCKEN: Yeah, go ahead.
NORBERG PICKS UP THE RECEIVER OF HOCKEN'S PHONE.
DREBIN: And you know, Ed, but all this goes to show is that the only real dope is the one who sells it or buys it.
NORBERG SWINGS THE PHONE RECEIVER LIKE A HAMMER TO DRIVE A NAIL TO HANG THE POSTER. EVERYONE FREEZES AS THE WALL NORBERG WAS ATTEMPTING THE HANG THE POSTER ON FALLS OVER. PART OF THE CEILING FALLS. A CLOCK ON THE WALL FALLS. A LIGHT FIXTURE FALLS. MORE OF THE CEILING FALLS. A BOOKCASE FALLS OVER. MORE OF THE CEILING FALLS.